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Suck-Ass Performer of the Game
Jason Kubel
Jason Kubel
(0-5, 2 K, 3 LOB)
Suck-Ass Performance Stats
Player Number
Jason Kubel 14
Michael Cuddyer 11
Nick Blackburn 10
Matt Guerrier 10
Denard Span 9
Alex Burnett 8
Orlando Hudson 8
Kevin Slowey 8
Jim Thome 8
Scott Baker 6
J.J. Hardy 6
Jon Rauch 6
Francisco Liriano 5
Justin Morneau 5
Delmon Young 5
Jesse Crain 4
Brendan Harris 3
Ron Mahay 3
Joe Mauer 3
Carl Pavano 3
Matt Tolbert 3
Danny Valencia 3
Drew Butera 2
Matt Capps 2
Alexi Casilla 2
Jose Mijares 2
Nick Punto 2
Jason Repko 2
Drew Butera 1
Brian Duensing 1
Randy Flores 1
Ron Gardenhire 1
Jeff Manship 1
Pat Neshek 1
Glen Perkins 1
Trevor Plouffe 1
Wilson Ramos 1
Anthony Slama 1

I was not sorry to see Craig Monroe released from the Twins. I’m still not sorry. But boy does he seem determined to beat us down in his spring training games with the Pirates. The last time we played he had 2 doubles (I think). Today he decided to show off a bit more, hitting 3 homers. Ouch. Got something to prove, Craig?

Speaking of homers, Baker is apparently suffering from Glen Perkinsitis. He gave up 4 home runs in 4 innings today, and he has given up a total of 6 in 10 innings over the spring. Glen Perkins, on the other hand, is showing no signs of his eponymous (love that word) disease. He has no homers in 12 innings. Memo to Baker: Please stop sucking by opening day. Thanks.

There’s a Twins commercial that keeps playing on the radio during games. On the plus side, it refers to “Scott Bakerbaker, the backward K maker.” Not gonna lie, it’s super fun to say Bakerbaker. I may have to start calling him that. Unfortunately, the ad also talks about “Denard Wing Span” which is just stupid.

In WBC news, the Netherlands advanced to the second round. I’m pretty pumped up about this because they’re such an underdog. Somehow they’ve managed to win despite the worst hitting in the tournament. I’ll be cheering for them regardless; I am part Dutch after all. I am not part Italian, however, and sadly, Italy was eliminated. They were beaten soundly, in part because of a costly Punto error. And who is surprised here? *crickets* Yeah, I thought so. TBA also managed to get hit by a pitch and is experiencing some swelling. I don’t wish Punto ill, but I can’t honestly say that I wish him well either. So I’m just not going to comment on his injury. I’m trying to keep my raging bitch in check today.

Question of the Day: Am I more Dutch than Punto is Italian? After all, I’ve actually been to the Netherlands, which is more than I can say for Punto and Italy.

Suck-Ass Performance of the Day: Scott Baker

 

Well, the Twins beat the Orioles today, 4 to 3. Which would be fantastic except that Tofu and Clifford apparently decided to have a baserunner-stranding contest. Redmond eked out a win with 7 left on base, but Harris managed a respectable 6. (And Matt, a small village is 5 as I recall, so I can only conclude that between the 2 of them Harris and Redmond stranded at least a good-sized town.) But Tofu definitely had the suck-ass performance of the day, going 0-4 with 2 strikeouts.

It was an away game, so I listened to the Orioles radio broadcast, which proved interesting... 

Radio Personality #1, who will be henceforth referred to as Show Tune Sam, pronounced Jason Pridie’s name as “pretty” instead of “pride-e”. When he heard the stadium announcer pronounce it the correct way, Sam went off on how he thought his way was right and then broke out in a stirring rendition of “I Feel Pretty.” How come our broadcasters don’t sing? I think we should have musical interludes instead of commercials. They could be appropriate to the situations, too. Think “Defying Gravity” following a home run, “Tomorrow” during a lopsided loss, or “Singin’ in the Rain” during a rain delay. Perhaps the Twins could even participate. Blackburn could show off his vocal stylings on “Oklahoma” and Mauer could perform “Anything You Can Do.” It would be awesome, trust me.

The Orioles guys finished the broadcast with the following exchange (some liberties may be taken with my transcript as I’m doing it from memory):

Show Tune Sam: Don’t you remember that song? “I Feel Pretty”?
Other Guy: Yes, I just didn’t expect to hear my broadcast partner singing it to me. *laughter* Are you touching my knee?

Whaaat? Singing and homoerotic tendencies? So not fair. We never having anything nearly so exciting.

Funniest thing I heard today? Erik Bedard has a sore butt. Best. Injury. Ever. I mean, who doesn’t wish they could skip work because their ass hurt? I sure do. I wonder if he has to sit on one of those donut pillows people use when they break their tailbones…

 

 

ESPN Guy: They’re the 2 words we all want to hear after a surgery: “No surprises.” 

This is of course in regard to A-Rod’s surgery. Personally, the 2 words I want to hear after a surgery are, “You survived!” Or how about “Benign tumor” or “No cancer”? (Granted if the surgery is a C-section, I’m okay with pretty much any 2 words as long as they’re not “Hermaphrodite baby.”) What an idiot.

In other news...

  • I’m pretty sure the Mayo Clinic broke Joe Mauer. Ruh-roh. I feel a bit of hometown pride in regard to the hospital, so I hope whatever is wrong wasn’t an error by the surgeons who operated on him. Of course, if it was due to some sort of mistake by the clinic, perhaps Mauer could take legal action. Can you sue for pain and suffering caused by loss of a potential batting title?
  • Brendan Harris says playing first base is “like riding a bike.” This led to an immediate mental image of Harris riding a bike, which in turn led me to decide that riding a bike is one of the least sexy activities to watch, trailing only moonwalking (in the literal astronaut way, not in the Michael Jackson dancing way; I don’t find space suits a turn-on) and scooping horse poop in a parade. Although I have to say that if he was biking without his shirt on it would increase the sexiness level by at least 300 percent. I’m sure some women like watching men bike (look at all the women who date Lance Armstrong after all), but I’m for sure not one of them.

  • Italy beat Canada! This excites me mainly because it delays Punto’s return to spring training by at least a day. Punto showed off his mad hitting skills, going 0-5. No, I am not a nice person, and no, I don’t care.

  • Guess who beat C of CHA to win the Southern Conference championship tonight? Chattanooga, no joke. Am I eerily prescient or what? And did I just write that in order to work “eerily prescient” into this entry? Hell yeah!