*Accuracy and truth not guaranteed
Opponent: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Starting Pitcher: Baker
Final Score: W 4-0
Recap: I just knew the Twins would lose the one game in the series I attended while winning the other two. Thanks a lot. Full disclosure: I haven't seen any of this game. So here is my version of what happened, based solely on the few things I know about the game. Readers grounded in reality take heed.
Pre-Game- Casilla "accidentally" runs over Hardy's foot with the ground crew's Toro riding lawn mower, claiming he thought it was a real bull. Gardy puts him in the starting lineup when a terrified Tolbert refuses to come out of the bathroom. He also starts Repko in center field on the condition that he stray no further than 3 inches from the bag should he reach base. Gardy is heard ranting "No more pickoffs! Speed kills!" in his office.
1st inning- Baker starts the game with 3 strikeouts after all the Angels players stare mesmerized at his nausea-inducing facial hair. Bobby Abreu calls the police in an attempt to have the facial hair arrested for assault.
2nd inning- Scotty Ullger installs a traffic light at 3rd base, commenting, "After all, it's smarter than I am." Mike Scioscia is ejected while trying to argue that it is illegal. The umpires allow it to be used since Target Field is an urban ballpark.
3rd inning- Baker allows 2 hits after accidentally hypnotizing his infielders with his beard during a meeting on the mound. Fortunately he gets 3 fly ball outs after that point.
4th inning- Jim Thome is thrown out at home after he thinks the red on the traffic light is actually green. After the game he is discovered to be colorblind.
5th inning- Baker still allows no runs. In the bottom of the inning Danny Valencia hits a solo home run. Later, Orlando Hudson triples, while Mauer and Kubel walk. Cuddyer doubles after a long at-bat to clear the bases and give the Twins a 4-run lead.
6th inning- Torii Hunter kidnaps Denard Span and attempts to take his place on the Twins bench. He is only discovered after he calls Casilla an imposter. The Twins pin a note to his chest thanking the Angels for taking him off their hands and send him back to his own dugout. Span is recovered from the giant glove in Target Plaza.
7th inning- Joe Mauer is presented with a "Get to 1st Base Free" card by the umpires, good for 2 free passes every game. Mauer thanks them, but later confides to Hudson, "Ya know, I thought I already had one of these things."
8th inning- Overcome with hubris, Baker declares himself to be the Dread Pirate Bakerossa, christens the mound the Brown Pearl, and lures Kirby the Kestrel down to sit on his shoulder. He then demands that the stadium be flooded so he can "sail the 7 seas." A doctor is called in, and Baker is removed from the game.
9th inning- Rick Anderson calls the bullpen, asking that the closer be brought into the game. Rauch overhears and hurls Matt Capps onto the field screaming, "Giant Man is closer! Giant Man angry! Giant Man SMASH!" Capps is undeterred and pitches a perfect 9th inning to give the Twins a win.
Suck-Ass Performance of the Game: Jason Repko (0 for 4, 1 strikeout, 2 left on base)