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Suck-Ass Performer of the Game
Jason Kubel
Jason Kubel
(0-5, 2 K, 3 LOB)
Suck-Ass Performance Stats
Player Number
Jason Kubel 14
Michael Cuddyer 11
Nick Blackburn 10
Matt Guerrier 10
Denard Span 9
Alex Burnett 8
Orlando Hudson 8
Kevin Slowey 8
Jim Thome 8
Scott Baker 6
J.J. Hardy 6
Jon Rauch 6
Francisco Liriano 5
Justin Morneau 5
Delmon Young 5
Jesse Crain 4
Brendan Harris 3
Ron Mahay 3
Joe Mauer 3
Carl Pavano 3
Matt Tolbert 3
Danny Valencia 3
Drew Butera 2
Matt Capps 2
Alexi Casilla 2
Jose Mijares 2
Nick Punto 2
Jason Repko 2
Drew Butera 1
Brian Duensing 1
Randy Flores 1
Ron Gardenhire 1
Jeff Manship 1
Pat Neshek 1
Glen Perkins 1
Trevor Plouffe 1
Wilson Ramos 1
Anthony Slama 1

*Accuracy and truth not guaranteed

Date: 8/22/10

Opponent: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Home/Away: Home

Starting Pitcher: Baker

Final Score: W 4-0

Record: 72-52

Recap: I just knew the Twins would lose the one game in the series I attended while winning the other two. Thanks a lot. Full disclosure: I haven't seen any of this game. So here is my version of what happened, based solely on the few things I know about the game. Readers grounded in reality take heed.

Pre-Game- Casilla "accidentally" runs over Hardy's foot with the ground crew's Toro riding lawn mower, claiming he thought it was a real bull. Gardy puts him in the starting lineup when a terrified Tolbert refuses to come out of the bathroom. He also starts Repko in center field on the condition that he stray no further than 3 inches from the bag should he reach base. Gardy is heard ranting "No more pickoffs! Speed kills!" in his office.

1st inning- Baker starts the game with 3 strikeouts after all the Angels players stare mesmerized at his nausea-inducing facial hair. Bobby Abreu calls the police in an attempt to have the facial hair arrested for assault.

2nd inning- Scotty Ullger installs a traffic light at 3rd base, commenting, "After all, it's smarter than I am." Mike Scioscia is ejected while trying to argue that it is illegal. The umpires allow it to be used since Target Field is an urban ballpark.

3rd inning- Baker allows 2 hits after accidentally hypnotizing his infielders with his beard during a meeting on the mound. Fortunately he gets 3 fly ball outs after that point.

4th inning- Jim Thome is thrown out at home after he thinks the red on the traffic light is actually green. After the game he is discovered to be colorblind.

5th inning- Baker still allows no runs. In the bottom of the inning Danny Valencia hits a solo home run. Later, Orlando Hudson triples, while Mauer and Kubel walk. Cuddyer doubles after a long at-bat to clear the bases and give the Twins a 4-run lead.

6th inning- Torii Hunter kidnaps Denard Span and attempts to take his place on the Twins bench. He is only discovered after he calls Casilla an imposter. The Twins pin a note to his chest thanking the Angels for taking him off their hands and send him back to his own dugout. Span is recovered from the giant glove in Target Plaza.

7th inning- Joe Mauer is presented with a "Get to 1st Base Free" card by the umpires, good for 2 free passes every game. Mauer thanks them, but later confides to Hudson, "Ya know, I thought I already had one of these things."

8th inning- Overcome with hubris, Baker declares himself to be the Dread Pirate Bakerossa, christens the mound the Brown Pearl, and lures Kirby the Kestrel down to sit on his shoulder. He then demands that the stadium be flooded so he can "sail the 7 seas." A doctor is called in, and Baker is removed from the game.

9th inning- Rick Anderson calls the bullpen, asking that the closer be brought into the game. Rauch overhears and hurls Matt Capps onto the field screaming, "Giant Man is closer! Giant Man angry! Giant Man SMASH!" Capps is undeterred and pitches a perfect 9th inning to give the Twins a win.

Suck-Ass Performance of the Game: Jason Repko (0 for 4, 1 strikeout, 2 left on base)


Date: 8/20-21/10

Opponent: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Home/Away: Home

Starting Pitcher: Duensing and Slowey

Final Score: W 7-2 and L 9-3

Record: 71-52

Recap: It was the best of games (on Friday); it was the worst of games (on Saturday). And of course I was at the suckier of the two games. Just my luck. Brian Duensing is proving to be quite the asset as a starting pitcher. He hasn't lost since he entered the rotation, and he's been outstanding. Friday was no different, as he pitched 8 innings with just 1 earned run. He kept the ball down and induced ground ball after ground ball. Unfortunately he has been the island of good pitching amongst the sea of suck produced by the starters this last time through the rotation. Slowey didn't help much on Saturday, as he struggled through a 4-run 2nd inning. And now he's going on the DL. Just fabulous. Brace yourself for more Blackburn...

On Friday the offense backed up Duensing with a lot of support. Kubel had the biggest hit, a 3-run homer after the Angels chose to intentionally walk Mauer with 2 outs. Thome may have had the most interesting when he tripled for the second time this season. Quite remarkable. The Twins were also aided by a bit of a Dome flashback when the Angels right fielder lost a ball in the sky that fell for a hit.

The offense gave Slowey an early lead on Saturday, but he gave it right back during the top of the next inning. After that they were completely shut down, while the bullpen bled like a hemophiliac. Cuddyer had a 2-run single, and Skinny Delmon also singled in a run, but that was about the extent of the positives for the Twins. We still can take the series with a win tomorrow, so let's hope that works out. My sister and I are heading down to Texas this week, and we're going to a couple of the games there. I should have internet access, and hopefully I can stay on top of things.  

Best Moment: Thome's triple. And Brian Duensing asking if they wanted him to go out for the 9th inning. Way to show some initiative. As for Saturday's game, well, I did witness the cutest rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" in history.

Most Questionable Moment: Mahay injured himself fielding a ground ball. Which leaves us with Perkins as our situational lefty? Hell, our only lefty reliever. Left-handers: stop injuring yourselves! And also Kubel being thrown out at home. That was a close play. I vote he was safe. Can we turn this into a democracy?

Worst Moment: All the injuries to our pitchers. Before you know it we're going to be trying to acquire Juan Rincon again (no one panic; I'm mostly kidding).

Quotations of the Day:

  • "It was one of those days where the game just went nowhere." - Ron Gardenhire. I would say it went somewhere. Right down the drain.

Suck-Ass Performance of the Game: Michael Cuddyer (0 for 4, 2 left on base) and Kevin Slowey (3.0 innings pitched, 7 hits, 2 walks, 2 home runs, 4 earned runs, 1 loss)


Date: 8/17-19/10

Opponent: Chicago White Sox

Home/Away: Home

Starting Pitcher: Baker, Liriano and Pavano

Final Score: W 7-6, W 7-6 and L 11-0

Record: 70-51

Recap: That series sure went pretty well. The Twins entered with a 3-game lead in the central and ended up with a 4 game lead. Sure a sweep would have been nice, but a series win will do for now. It was especially lucky that we won considering the struggles of our starting pitchers in that series. But I guess a lot of offense (well, at least in the first two games) helps. Because I'm so behind again I'm going to sum up each game in exactly 10 words:

Game #119: Another blown save? Thank God for Thome! First walk-off hit!

Game #120: Mauer's first homer at Target Field. Offense saves Liriano's ass.

Game #121: The Pavstache gives up 15 hits. Ouch. Not so Super.

Best Moment: Thome's walk-off home run, the first walk-off hit in Target Field history!

Most Questionable Moment: Punto injured his hamstring again? If he were a horse, the Twins would probably shoot him.

Worst Moment: The final game of the series. All of it.

Quotations of the Day:

  • "For me, it might go down as one of the better games that I've played in. Very exciting." - Jim Thome, after his walk-off home run.
  • "It felt good. I've hit a lot of balls out that way that have died, so it's good to get one over the wall for sure." - Joe Mauer, on getting his first Target Field home run.
  • "I think my stuff's up, that's for sure...A lot of the hits I've given up have been in some holes." - Carl Pavano. I figured I'd try to find something that could interpreted the wrong way.

Suck-Ass Performance of the Game: Scott Baker (4.2 innings pitched, 7 hits, 2 walks, 2 home runs, 4 earned runs), Francisco Liriano (5.0 innings pitched, 6 hits, 4 walks, 1 home run, 5 earned runs), and Carl Pavano (6.0 innings pitched, 15 hits, 1 home run, 7 earned runs, 1 loss). A trio of starting pitchers for you.