Date: 10/11/09

Opponent: New York Yankees

Home/Away: Home

Starting Pitcher: Pavano

Final Score: L 4-1

Best Moment: It only took me 3 weeks, but I'm finally posting this. During the baseball season, the rigorous schedule of games provides me with a limited window of time to post my recaps as I like to have my entries up before the next game. Sadly the final post-season gives me a good 4 months, and I work much better with the pressure of an imminent deadline upon me. It reminds me of college, when I would be working feverishly on a 20-page paper due the next day at 4 in the morning. And I never got lower than a B-, so let me just say kids, procrastination works. I’ve also had a lot going on in my life with my first forays into home-ownership and dealing with credit fraud (I’m the victim, not the perpetrator, in case you had some admittedly valid questions over my character), all of which has not made me the most assiduous blogger.

Anyway, back to the Twins' inevitable post-season demise. It was actually a very good game for 6 innings. Pavano racked up 9 strikeouts (a post-season record for the Twins), which I determined was due to his concern over the defense behind him (Kubel, Young, Cabrera, Harris, etc.). He held down the fort for 6 innings, but unfortunately the offense was quite lackluster. Finally, in the bottom of the 6th, we scratched across a run. There was much rejoicing in Twins Territory. We really should have known better. Following our usual pattern we then proceeded to give the lead right back thanks to 2 solo home runs. It didn't seem an unsurmountable lead, but it was late enough in the game to cause serious dread. And then in the 8th inning, it looked like we were about to tie up the game when fate (or Nick Punto) stepped in. But more on that later. Span and Cuddyer each had a couple of hits, and Mauer drove in the only Twins run, while Pavano gave us a chance. The bullpen fared less well.

I'm not as upset as I thought I would be about getting swept. Last season after losing the tiebreaker to the White Sox, it took me a long time to recover. Maybe because we were so close to the post-season and had so many good chances to take the division. This season we made a remarkable comeback in the last few weeks, and I think the fact that we finished well and played an incredibly exciting tiebreak game and actually won the division and made it to the post-season all while featuring a less than ideal lineup and pitching staff really softened the blow. Of course I'm disappointed, but I'm not devastated. And I’m really looking forward to Target Field and getting outside. In the meantime, I’ll be hoping the Phillies can come back and beat the Yankees, because the Yankees are everything that’s wrong with the world. Never mind hunger, poverty and war; no, the real problem is rich, overindulged, large-market baseball team owners who buy the best soulless and greedy baseball players money can buy. Not that I’m bitter.

Most Questionable Moment: The people who attend baseball games never fail to amaze me. You’d think that fans at a playoff game would have some sort of a clue, but the people sitting behind me clearly hadn’t attended a game in at least 10 years or so since the woman was absolutely stunned by the presence of a mascot. I know T.C. ain’t exactly antediluvian, but he has been around a few years. The lack of knowledge about a mascot wouldn’t have bothered me all that much in itself, but they later had this conversation following a nice catch by Delmon Young (I will refer to them as Dad, Mom and Daughter for clarity’s sake).

Dad: Nice catch, Denard!

Mom: Who was that?

Dad: The left fielder, Denard.

Mom: (reading back of jersey) Denard Young?

Daughter: Delmon Young.

Dad: Oh, yeah, that’s right, Damon.

Now, I’m not sure if he actually believed Johnny Damon was in left field for the Twins or if he thought Delmon’s name was Damon Young, but either way he was confused. And lest you think the daughter actually had a clue, this poor deluded soul was outfitted in a Twins shirt and a Yankees sweatshirt. If anyone ever needed an intervention, it was she. I will confess that this family provided the brother and I with endless amusement (they made many other inane comments, questions and observations that I can’t recall), but why were they even there?

Worst Moment: Oh Nick Punto. Just when I was starting to like you a little, you go and do one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen. I think one of the most frustrating things about this whole series that we didn’t lose because the Yankees beat us, we lost because we beat ourselves. We kept shooting ourselves in the foot over and over. We had some very good pitching performances from Blackburn and Pavano, and some good offensive performances from Mauer, Span and Punto (disregarding his baserunning at least), but we made the dumbest mistakes. We really should have won the second game (I’m still unbelievably pissed about that one; I try not to think about it too often because I get too angry at Nathan and Gomez and Kubel and the umpire and…well, you get the idea), and we had our chances in the third one. I guess I'm also really frustrated that we couldn't beat the Yankees one bloody time this year. We better make up for that next season in a big way or I might spontaneously combust.

I still see Punto rounding 3rd and heading for home while Ullger frantically throws up the stop sign in my nightmares. When we led off the inning with Punto, I told my brother, “If anyone can get on base, it’s Punto.” What I should have said was, “If anyone can get on base, it’s Punto. But if anyone can get himself out with an unbelievable boneheaded baserunning move, it’s also Punto.” When he started the inning with a double, the crowd was on its feet, raucous and excited. But when Punto got thrown out at 3rd, it was like a balloon popping. Everyone just deflated. Well, everyone besides the too-numerous Yankee fans. I think we all knew the game was over at that point. I for one had been watching Span reach 1st and all of the sudden I was trying to figure out why the Yankees were throwing home. And then I wondered what the fuck Punto was doing off 3rd base. And then I just thought, “Oh shit.” The bullpen allowed a couple of runs in the top of the 9th to add insult to injury, and then it was done.

But hey, at least Brendan Harris has the honor of being the answer to the trivia question “Who made the final out at the Metrodome?” Congrats! And I got to go to the last Twins game at the Dome, and I got sucked out the door one last time. Goodbye Dome. I know it’s not getting blown up or anything (at least not yet), but given my utter apathy for football I think it highly unlikely I’ll ever darken its door again. We’ll see though. In the meantime, the blog will be updated periodically. Obviously I’ll post when Mauer wins MVP and whenever the Twins make a significant off-season move, giving you my opinion (most likely I will be ranting over the front office’s utter stupidity, but maybe they will do something positive). Perhaps I’ll post book reviews or political editorials or knock-knock jokes or security camera videos of criminals or pictures of my dog dressed as a chicken or descriptions of my numerous criminal activities or recipes. Okay, the recipes thing is so not happening given that the only things I cook come out of a box. Otherwise, I’ll be back, better than ever, for spring training. See you then!

Quotations of the Day:

• "Although it was very disappointing again to lose another game where we had our chances, I told them I was very proud of them. From everything that they have been through this year, the run that they made to get here and the heart that they showed, they gave us everything they had." - Ron Gardenhire
• "The crowd noise got me. They were excited to see there wasn't going to be a play on Denard there at first. It's one of those things where I'm kicking myself...I had my head down. That was all on me, just a terrible play and a big play in that game. It's hard to swallow." - Nick Punto. I think the less said about this the better. I don't need to get myself all worked up again.
• "That's the way baseball is, especially the postseason. Back in 2006, it was the same way. A couple of plays here or there and you are on the short end of the ballgame. It's a good ballclub over there, and you make mistakes and give them extra chances, they will make you pay." - Joe Mauer
• "Right now, it's kind of hard to see the big picture of the year. I'll give it a couple weeks and kind of go over what went on and what we did well and what we didn't do well. Right now, it feels like we were just pouring champagne over everybody and celebrating. It's a little frustrating right now." - Joe Mauer
• "It's kind of bittersweet. We play well here, but I also know how many days I walked in here and kind of just got deflated, because it's nice outside and you'd like to be outside. But we also know this place has treated us great, and so that's why I wanted to bring a little piece of this place over and start a new chapter." - Joe Nathan, on picking up some dirt from the mound at the Dome.
• "We've got to hold our heads up. We had a good season. We did the unthinkable. We did what a lot of people never gave us a chance to do. I'd just like to commend everybody, all 25 guys on this team. We have nothing to be upset about." - Denard Span
• "Obviously, it's tough. It's a tough way to close it. It's hard. It's frustrating, but I think when we look back and have a chance to reflect on the season, I think we're pretty proud of where we are." - Michael Cuddyer

Suck-Ass Performance of the Game: Jason Kubel (0 for 4, 3 strikeouts, 2 left on base). This is more of a post-season award, as Kubel went 1 for 14 with 9 strikeouts. Surely that’s one of the worst post-season performances ever.

Date: 10/9/09

Opponent: New York Yankees

Home/Away: Away

Starting Pitcher: Blackburn

Final Score: L 4-3

Best Moment: It seemed like there was going to be a lot to write about as so much seemed to go our way for the first 8 innings. The Blackburn was pitching like a stud. The bullpen was holding the Yankees in check. Brendan Harris came off the bench for a huge pinch-hit triple after Tolbert injured himself to drive in the first run, and then later contributed to the other 2 runs. He also had a fantastic diving stop at 3rd base. Everything was rolling along, I was feeling jubilant, and all of the sudden it came crashing down with one pitch by Joe Nathan. Instead of coming into the Metrodome with a tie series and some momentum, we're in a horrible 0-2 deficit and facing elimination at every step. Instead of proving to the world that we could win against the Yankees and in New York, we again look jinxed and cursed and fuckterrible (yes, I think it's time to bust out the fuckterribles again). Instead of shutting up all the experts who picked the Yankees to sweep us easily, we are now in the position to have just that happen on Sunday. Is one win really so much to ask? A little bit of hope and a chance to prove we can play with the the big money teams? A good memory from the post-season rather than a horrible repeating loop of everything that went wrong? Come on, throw my a frickin' bone here!

After Joe Nathan gave up the home run to A-Rod, he managed to get through the inning. But it felt exactly like that ghastly series in May; I was just waiting for the walk-off. You can only hold them off for so long, and when you add in a failure of epic proportions (bases loaded, no outs, and we can't even get 1 run in), it was an inevitable loss.

3 moments really cost us the game in my mind. The first was Gomez's stupid baserunning mistake. There were 2 outs, Delmon Young was on 2nd, Gomez was on 1st, and Tolbert had a base hit. Gomez rounded 2nd too far, slipped and fell, and was tagged out on his retreat to the base before the run could score. All he had to do was scramble away from the base and try to delay the tag a little bit. That extra run maybe meant the game for us. Nonetheless, we still had a 2-run lead in the 9th, leading to the second Minnesota-is-screwed moment, Joe Nathan's huge fuck-up. He couldn't seem to find the strike zone, fell behind hitters, and blew the save in 2 batters. I don't know if he's tired or what, but it's hard to have confidence in him when you remember his recent struggles. And then the third moment, Mauer's "foul" ball in the top of the 11th. That wasn't foul. Or even close to foul. It would have been a ground rule double, and although he reached base on a single, probably cost us at least a run. There are two extra umpires in post-season play. They are supposed to watch the left field and right field lines. That is their only fucking job. Phil Cuzzi was feet away from the ball. He was in perfect position to view it. Not only did it graze the fielder's glove in fair territory, it then bounced a good 6 inches fair. Two opportunities to see the call and he still couldn't see it. I know it's a common rip on umpires, but is he fucking blind? How did he miss that? Yeah, the Twins fucked up plenty on their own, but we still shouldn't have the game come down to that horrible, horrible call. That's an inexcusable mistake. I know umpires are human and will make mistakes, but that wasn't even close. Not even close.

I keep alternating between fury at the Twins for messing up in so many ways and rage at the umpire and utter despair. It's official: start panicking. I hate the Yankees. I hate them as a team, I hate them individually (I really can't think of any player that I bear even the slightest goodwill toward), I hate that they buy wins, I hate that they feel entitled to the playoffs, I hate the media bias toward them, I hate their stadium and their fans and everything they stand for. They make me absolutely sick. I just hope the Twins can put up something of a fight. We had offense tonight; we may have messed up but we did outhit them 12 to 7 and drew 7 walks. We just need to do a better job of hitting when it counts, with men on base. A home run or two wouldn't hurt either. Hopefully we can go to town on Andy Pettite, because to be honest I don't really trust Pavano to deliver a Blackburn-esque outing. It's looking bleak, but we can always hope. I'll be at the game Sunday, praying they don't embarrass me. Go Twins!

Most Questionable Moment: Oh, so many, many, many things. Gomez's baserunning decision. The home plate umpire's strike zone. The inexplicable foul call by Phil Cuzzi. The level of suck attained by the announcers. Stop. Saying. Fisted. I'm also fairly certain one of them mixed up Brendan Harris with Brendan Fraser (totally understandable...if you've ingested hallucinagenic mushrooms). Although I'm getting a brilliant idea for a reality show...

Worst Moment: I'm not going to do a worst moment. Instead, I'm handing out "Fuck You"s for the day.

Fuck you, Carlos Gomez, for making an enormous baserunning gaffe. Even Nick Punto wouldn't have messed that up. And that's not even mentioning your particularly crappy at bat with bases loaded and 1 out where you took a defensive half swing at the first pitch and grounded into a fielder's choice.

Fuck you, Jason Kubel, for going 1 for 10 in this series with 6 strikeouts. It's hard to present yourself as a power threat when you can't make contact.

Fuck you, Orlando Cabrera, for creating out after out in front of Magic. And you look like a weasel by the way.

Fuck you, Delmon Young, for not getting any hits in the post-season thus far and refusing to lay off the first pitch.

Fuck you, Joe Nathan, for being a bigger choke artist than the Mets. I can appreciate that we pay you a lot of money to help get us to the playoffs, but if we're going to get eliminated immediately because of you, what's the point?

Fuck you, Jose Mijares, for continuing to suck. So glad you know how to pitch under pressure.

Fuck you, Mark Teixeira, for existing. I hope your turncoat donkey face gets ripped off by a rabid skunk.

Fuck you, A-Rod, for using your drug-enhanced cheating body to crush the dreams of hotdish-eating Midwestern kids everywhere. May you rot in hell.

Fuck you, celebrities, for supporting the soul-sucking Yankees. You are tainted by association.

Fuck you, TBS announcers, for being incompetent commentators with the most monotonous, homoerotic vocabulary and an inability to call plays accurately. Your fashion sense is also lamentable.

Fuck you, Chuck Meriwether, for having an erratic strikezone roughly the size and shape of Gorbachev's birthmark (yeah, you know I'm pissed when I start dropping 20-year-old USSR references).

Fuck you, Phil Cuzzi, for missing a huge call and possibly costing the Twins the game. It's been a bad week of umpiring, and now you've single-handedly pissed off an entire generation of Minnesotans, opened the door for accusations of umpire-bias and favoritism, and possibly endangered your job security (this one may be a little overly optimistic on my part, but to miss a call that blatant screams for some accountability). Oh, and you've also made my umpire shit list. Todd Tichenor needs some company.

That's all I've got right now. I actually feel a lot better after that. And, in case you were wondering, yes, I do have anger issues, and no, there is no such thing as a safe distance.

Quotations of the Day:

• "Those three didn't matter in the regular season, because we are in the playoffs now. But we've been to New York twice this year, and it seems like every time we are walking off with our heads down and it's tough, especially since this is a game we know we needed and we know we should have won this game. But things didn't go the way they should have." - Denard Span
• "It's really disappointing. I've been walked off enough times here. Some of the things that happened out there were pretty disappointing. It was a good baseball game. A lot of things could have went either way, but didn't go our way again tonight. You end up getting walked off again." - Ron Gardenhire
• "It's obviously a ground-rule double, and who knows what would have happened after that. [The double] would have put us in a good situation. It just seems like one of the things that tend to happen to us here." - Michael Cuddyer. Now, repeat after me, "The Twins are not cursed in New York. The Twins are not cursed in New York. The Twins are not cursed in New York." Yeah, I don't believe it either.
• "Now it is lose and you're out. That's kind of how we've played for the last three weeks -- with our backs against the wall. We've got to win three against the Yankees in a row, which is tough to do, but you know it wouldn't be that great of a story if it wasn't like this. We've been playing tough Game 7 baseball for a long time, and now we're back to that Game 7 again." - Nick Punto
• "We left a lot of runners on base. We probably could have had a 3-, 4-run lead by the time we got to the 9th. We have to drive some runners in and make our breaks instead of wait for calls like that." - Brendan Harris. Yes, this is technically true, but it doesn't really make the call any easier to swallow. Or the Joe Nathan implosion.
• "The mistake I make today, it cost 1 run. I know, everybody knows what I did. It's bad base running. I don't make excuse about it. I make a mistake and that's it." - Carlos Gomez
• "We know we can play with these guys. People talk about our record and stuff like that, but we can play with these guys." - Joe Mauer
• "To be honest, I haven't talked to [Tolbert]. I know it's a tough injury to turn the corner on in two days." - Brendan Harris, on whether or not Tolbert will be able to play the rest of the series. Translation: "I am so back in the lineup, bitches!"
• "They gave us that game and we didn't take it. A game like this you never forget. It's like when you're a kid and someone offers you candy and you don't take it. You end up regretting it later." - Carlos Gomez, with a depressing analogy. I'm hungry now, too.
• "You don't know how [Cuzzi] missed it; he was 10 feet from the ball. Hopefully the umpire realizes he has to do something to get better. That was his job tonight [to make calls down the line]...There's nothing we can do about a terrible call -- and that's what it was." - Joe Nathan, trying to turn attention away from his own epic fail.
• "You can't see at all from the dugout, but I think we all know the ball was fair by a long ways." - Ron Gardenhire
• "There's a guy sitting over in the umpire's dressing room right now that feels horrible. Nobody feels it worse than the umpire." - Umpire crew chief Tim Tschida. I bet he doesn't feel as badly as Twins fans do right now. And Twins players.
• "We left a small village on base." - Brendan Harris. That wasn't a small village. That was the entire fucking population of Zimbabwe.

Suck-Ass Performance of the Game: This might take a while. Orlando Cabrera (0 for 5, 1 strikeout, 5 left on base), Jason Kubel (1 for 6, 4 strikeouts, 4 left on base), Delmon Young (0 for 4, 2 strikeouts, 5 left on base), Carlos Gomez (0 for 4, 2 strikeouts, 5 left on base, 1 bad baserunning mistake), Joe Nathan (1.1 innings pitched, 3 hits, 1 walk, 1 home run, 2 earned runs, 1 error, 1 blown save) and Jose Mijares (0.2 innings pitched, 1 hit, 1 home run, 1 earned run, 1 loss). Nathan and Mijares now sport identical 13.50 ERAs in the post-season.

Date: 10/7/09

Opponent: New York Yankees

Home/Away: Away

Starting Pitcher: Duensing

Final Score: L 7-2

Best Moment: We did have a lead, at least for a brief period of time. But really, it would have been pretty amazing if we had won that game. The Twins arrived late after an exhausting game and celebration, they didn't get much sleep, had to face the Yankees' number 1 starter in a stadium we've never won in, and we threw out maybe our 4th best starter, who's only made a handful of starts. So I don't think it was realistic to expect to win. There's no need to panic yet, people. Save the panicking for after we lose play the second game on Friday. At least the Blackburn-Burnett match-up looks far more favorable to us. I wouldn't say we have an edge, but I have a lot more confidence in Blackburn than Duensing, and I think we have a better chance of getting hits against Burnett than Sabathia.

I didn't actually think Duensing pitched all that poorly. It wasn't a great effort, but I'm not sure we can have that high of expectations for him. We did score first, on a Cuddyer single and a passed ball (now if only we didn't have that costly double play in there). Punto also made a fantastic defensive play. We also didn't really use much of the bullpen, so everyone should be plenty rested for Friday. Mahay pitched especially well with a quick 1-2-3 inning. We did outhit the Yankees as well, 10 to 9, although when they had 3 extra-base hits with 2 home runs and we only had 2 doubles, you can see where the discrepancy in the score came about. But it's not like we weren't having good at bats and getting hits. Span, Cabrera, Mauer and Punto all had 2 hits, and Cuddyer and Harris had 1 each. 

Most Questionable Moment: You know which Twins have had the most success against Sabathia in their careers? Casilla and Redmond. Maybe I'm crazy, but could it have hurt to play those two? Gardy said he couldn't find a spot in the lineup for Casilla because he didn't want him to play 3rd. I don't want to see Casilla at 3rd either, but if you're willing to sit Tolbert, then why not play Punto at 3rd and Casilla at 2nd? Crazy idea, I know. Redmond could have been the DH. I just don't get it.

Worst Moment: Liriano giving up the home run to Matsui. I think maybe Duensing should have been left in to finish the inning. Yikes. Being down by 2 runs is one thing; being down by 4 is another. We also had some bad defense that cost us some runs (double plays not being turned, bad relay throws, Cuddyer's error at 1st, the presence of Jason Kubel on the field, etc.). That didn't help any. Nor did our lack of situational hitting. A couple times we had men in scoring position with 1 out and didn't do anything or get productive outs. Please win on Friday, Twins. I may have to kill myself if we can't even beat the Yankees once this year. It's ridiculous. And I'm thinking a win at Yankee Stadium would be a real confidence booster. I don't care what it costs or who you have to kill, but we need a win.

Quotations of the Day:

• "I definitely think adrenaline took us through the first few innings, but then it kind of wore on us, the last four days or so." - Michael Cuddyer
• "That's all it is, we just didn't do our job." - Jason Kubel
• "We can't score two runs and expect to shut them down. It's a great offensive team, and we need to execute. I had some good chances today to bring people home, and I couldn't do it." - Orlando Cabrera
• "We will just keep the same approach that we used to keep men on base and hopefully just knock them in." - Brendan Harris, on the upcoming games.
• "We had a good day yesterday and a good night. But in no way can you be tired this time of the year." - Denard Span, refusing to admit to fatigue.
• "I kind of think it was CC Sabathia stress." - Ron Gardenhire, also refusing to blame tiredness for the loss.
• "We've had our backs against the walls for a couple weeks now. You know, it's a not a position you want to be in, but we've been familiar with it. We are still going to go out there and play the game hard -- the way we always have." - Joe Mauer
• "Seemed like about 12 to 16 hours ago we were popping champagne. Then you turn around, and you're in the box like, wow, there's CC all right." - Brendan Harris
• "I just let the guys down tonight. That's all I can say. I didn't give the team a chance to win, and their lineup did a good job of hitting the ball hard." - Brian Duensing
• "Definitely, it's not his fault. He's being hard on himself. We didn't help him out much. He kept us in the game, and we needed to score more runs for him. He was there for us, and we just didn't back him up." - Jason Kubel, on Duensing.
• "We need to split and get out of here." - Denard Span

Suck-Ass Performance of the Game: Francisco Liriano (1.0 innings pitched, 1 hit, 1 walk, 1 home run, 2 runs, 1 earned runs), Jason Kubel (0 for 4, 2 strikeouts, 2 left on base) and Delmon Young (0 for 4, 2 strikeouts, 2 left on base).